2 trombones and a crossbow

The Sadnesses On Network Awesome!

2011-05-25T18:23:00.002+02:00

Live Music Show - The Sadnesses
Guest curated by The Sadnesses: "it meets somewhere at the nexus of the mastery of unusual instruments and breathtaking artistry"

A Much-Deserved Reduction Of The Church Porch

2011-04-13T00:49:00.015+02:00

This album is pounding with repetitive originality! Your generation cruises to victory but thankfully my generation slouches to moderation! There was not a single second while listening to this album when my son was not up and dancing with his hind-legs, signing off on the prerequisite (exciting) saucy synths with his right front leg and creating the world's first pure supergroup of British journalists with his left. For the entirety of the album, he was addicted to the band's slow-light strategy and spastic epiphotonics intrinsic to the album's first side in particular. So, in totality, we assign this album 2 out of 5 stars, in perpetuity, with rare exceptions, unnoted in this forum.

The Sucrose Beginnings Of Six Black Chemical Hungers

2011-04-03T23:24:00.015+02:00

I blocked your accomplishments by first taking abysmal modern pop and combining it with your harsh remarks from early in the seminar. This caused an enhanced program delay involving as many as thirty factors, according to experts. Additionally, several attendees were treated for sitting injuries by introducing quality bacteria to their drinks. The final seminar of the weekend was surprisingly boring despite having a very catchy title ("The Ghost of Shit") and covering a wide variety of engrossing topics like saddle sores, subwoofers, and eyes that can be implanted in a human fetus and later harvested when the child becomes a teenager and used as a cooking substitute for real mint.

An Acute Attack On The Squeaking

2011-03-19T23:32:00.019+01:00

This particular professor was known to have conducted some subtle experiments that reverberated backwards from the shadow of degenerate freeloaders, thus making all previous theorems obsolete and making hugely fundamental releases of neat ideas seem as though they were written by hacks with emotional problems. On occasion, the subtle experiments got to be so brutal and vile that they were no longer reverberating backwards from the shadow of degenerate freeloaders, but rather reverberating forwards from a long profound glance at half a boy. So anyway, that's why many students avoided his courses, but I have actually forgotten your original question.

Multicellular Singing In Middle-Aged Environments

2011-03-07T22:38:00.023+01:00

His body was shuddering under the weight of all those trinkets, his face turning a very pale shade of pale and his plaster trousers were beginning to crack around the knees. Among the trinkets, he had several "now mechanisms" including some tiny (and harmless) journey innovators and some even tinier business guys spewing the tiniest barf. I thought it was going to be entertaining to see what happened when he reached the point where the surface of several multi-colored light switches converged with the Earth, but alas, it came and went with no kind of conflict. Eventually, his mother arrived at the location at which she had deposited him, broke off the plaster pants into plaster cut-offs and helped him carry the trinkets home.

Swallowing Directions

2011-02-27T22:30:00.018+01:00

The Corporation has spent billions spraying the best diseases on the city and its surrounding areas, and now we have scores of little girls coming to us complaining of little twat sores. In an effort to deflect the bad PR, we have decided to begin pumping the best diseases instead into nice hot doughnuts, because everyone loves doughnuts, and if they don't they deserve diseases.

Speaking of twat sores, I was appalled recently at the insanity of trying to get some action with the intern from Colombia and nothing being unzipped! I was questioning the health of her mentality attitude and her future at the Corporation when this dude suddenly lunged across the room and bulged against her nature. Since my slippers were padlocked to the desk, I instead transmitted two randomized debates inspired by one of my own childhood interviews about ramen noodles directly into his brain, causing him to cease bulging. Unziption is sure to follow such a heroic act.

Useful Seduction Methods Applied During Deeper Charming

2011-02-20T22:14:00.020+01:00

Some of the things I remember most about my first girlfriend are the lavish attention she pored over the yellow dye used in Jamaican military uniforms and her weird fetishes involving common buckeye butterflies. Oh, and now that she is on my mind, I also just remembered her miniature smock-frocks, on which she was always wiping blood of one sort or another. It is only now that I realize why that drawer always smelled so bad. One afternoon, when we had finished with our daily adult seismic fantastic romantic encounter, a random functioning male stranger suddenly appeared in our bedroom doorway and collapsed our innate sense of tiny electron propulsions (we both have it) by simply binding blossom devices together with a jazz-tinged flourish of the wrist. Naturally, we were spellbound, but knew that it was just a diversionary tactic and that we had to create thirteen unique gourmet sandwiches before the butt-ends of the tongues' journals hit the floor, or we would be eliminated. We forgot about the electrode we were supposed to avoid and pushed the section of the floor they said not to press, all of which created a falling/trapping scenario, and that was it for us-- we were forced to pack and leave the house immediately. And then she broke up with me.

When The Forehead Finally Hardens

2011-02-14T22:50:00.013+01:00

"Energy Solo Fair this weekend!!!" screamed the handmade sign stapled to the cock of the corpse found in a dark alley by police officers earlier in the day. So it was decided right there and then: the entire family would attend the Energy Solo Fair, but first we needed to find the location. We covered the grandchildren in glitter and told them each to pose in a way indicating the possible candidate location. Adamaddict (the slow grandchild) immediately posed as the Amsterdam Anthropology Site, as we all knew he would. Oklawards, on the other hand, had had enough puzzle days to come up with something really helpful, but in the end posed as her paper funhouse and we could tell this was getting us nowhere. The adults decided to shove cheese in the children and perform experiments on the resulting headaches in the hopes that the children would hallucinate the correct location. Well, long story short, we never figured it out, so we just sat around the living room while Adamaddict performed a retarded rap approximation to the accompaniment of his cellular device. Honestly, I could have used a quick varnish irrigation at that point.

Compilation Of Fossilized Melodies

2011-02-03T22:30:00.022+01:00

It has been my experience that married fruit comedy couples tend to do a lot of spite jokes. One would think that they had already been through so much hatred and pain in their own lives as married fruit that they would refrain from such spiteful attitudes, but apparently this is not the case. I once saw a brilliant set by a high-resolution, fearsome-looking councillor who was able to bring the house down without stooping to such "poets' pebbles," all the while demolishing prejudice-populated planets with witty observational intersections and bold, revealing glitter swoops between his breasts. Additionally, his act boldly encompassed a horizontal written-written dance, the likes of which the comedy world had never seen and will perhaps never see again. However, in fairness I must add that I actually saw his flesh again last year and honestly, it was a dreadful performance not even worthy of a consumptive wet nurse on a river-- with or without her skirt.

The Pillow Allegedly Used In The Bash-Attack

2011-01-30T23:24:00.015+01:00

His huge rotting genitals were overflowing with spiders' legs, spilling all over his broken mother's broken heart-- and this at the breakfast table! Ever since he lost his job as manager of the chart-topping algae supergroup, Brain Sales, he spent all of his time searching for other parasites instead of feeding on himself. The pressure of coming up with "the next algae band" was just too much, it seems. At one point, he thought he had stumbled upon the next big thing when he discovered a way to musically control peptides, but the liquid writing heard on the first album, "Peptides Sing in the Experimental Thieves' Kitchen," all too quickly turned to biochemical degeneracy and auto-tune on the follow-up album, "Rock 'er Nice Vag."

He collected the spiders' legs and went to his study where he wrote three story-songs for the next virtual newcomers, no matter who or what they would turn out to be.

Miserable Creature Finger And Strong Spring-Tide

2011-01-25T21:32:00.024+01:00

"Innuendo, as we say in the business, is above commercial practicality and is only noteworthy for its recombinant peel proteins," the host of TVs Flamingo Fortune, Heather Alexander said as she leaned back in her daughter's womb, loudly powering up her new pitching bow and thus making it nearly impossible to continue the conversation. Despite the noise, I tried to titillate this track tissue tease with some tired chords and a few elderly improvement needles, but alas, twas not to be. The host of TVs Flamingo Fortune, Heather Alexander then mentioned something about solid modification on top of some veering beats provided by the Glossy Gurls DJ Team, who happen to be close friends of the host of TVs Flamingo Fortune, Heather Alexander and were hanging around spinning the other day, no shit.

I had eventually had enough, gathered my laudable casing-systems on course development and stickered a three play way right out the door.

Piercing Devices Found To Shrink Selection Of Amateur Numbers Enthusiasts

2011-01-20T21:21:00.013+01:00

That kind of supposed customer service just doesn't occur in photon lives-- just ask silicon, he hangs out with photons all the time. Me personally, I am unable to sustain wavelengths of a certain capability for any length of time. In fact, I believe that once your business begins keeping sophisticated records, you will see in retrospect that me quantities are well below those of all musical notes within the human hearing spectrum.

Once I finally have the time to comb through the cohesive overview of your complete selection of baby belts, I will hopefully be able to begin work on a prototype keep-brain which enables extensive storage on multiple image circuits implanted in my parallel nuts.

Trish, It Breaks Our Hearts That You Are Gone

2011-01-15T21:48:00.002+01:00

It hurts to even type it. We miss you dearly.

Describe Meaningful Holes

2011-01-12T01:34:00.010+01:00

Dr. Keathinger's disgusting knees research is akin to chubby lead soup according to several local experts. According to the spokesperson for the local chapter of SAFE Tweeners Squeak, the knees research amounts to little more than drooling material masquerading as a happily welcomed miscarriage. A self-heating despair sunset is planned for the next three days as a way of protesting the research. Despite all of this, several local toddlers' chewing was somewhat improved by the technology developed as a result of the knees research, according to non-local, impartial experts assigned to evaluate the case.

Stick No Unfounded Feet In Philosopher Soup

2011-01-05T00:56:00.016+01:00

I was trying to cingulate a feet metaphor yesterday but kept choking on the large amount of anterior throat corral. My Heartbeat Community® keeps telling me that my throat corral is at most fuckity trivial, and at least equivalent to an unexpected fraction of the Chairman's Wiping Armies, each striving to thicken and expand beyond its zooplankton-esque confines.

Yet another study has been reported to show that September was statistically very veal-heavy among all participants writing unfounded pop from skeletal lyrics who had not even pondered the whole bit about the magnetic album.

Satisfies Only Insects

2010-12-30T00:00:00.014+01:00

It has been revealed that the performing flies' harmonicas are all unfortunately broken due to a bathroom mishap. As one might imagine, coming into possession of such a tiny harmonica is no small feat, much less 63 in the same key. At this time, we would like to request that the audience respectfully bow their heads in tender, thankful remembrance of those fleeting moments when every single one of the flies had a functioning harmonica.

Thank you for your understanding.

And now, in place of the performing flies, we proudly present the host of TVs The Name's the Same, Ray Goulding reading a blow-by-blow account of the time the cave we were in began to vomit glass auroras, giving it the dubious status of being the angriest of our geostationary-geomagnetic interactions.

Hey Fiddles (or whatever your name is), why not trash Jersey?

Three Bought Prestige, Giving Isolation

2010-12-25T01:10:00.016+01:00

Eight chick astronomers observed some astronomical shit lately, but no one cared because they're chicks. Some members of the news media were quick to observe that perhaps if the chick astronomers had been wearing science smocks rather than plunging, breezy spring numbers, their peers would have been less reluctant to confirm their findings. This reporter is quick to confirm that the other scientists would not have been faulted for coming down with a case of the "love stutters" in the presence of their giddy, laughing confirmations and their breezy spectrometry.

It could also be noted in this forum that the favorite drink of many of the male scientists is a carbonated, really cold, gravy-flavored energy drink specifically marketed toward scientists called Baby Matrix; the by-product of an over-the-top study they concluded months earlier.

Landed Using A Combination Of Shame And Degradation

2010-12-21T22:52:00.016+01:00

From: Management
To: Staff_All
Sent: Thu, December 32, 2010 5:12:48 AM
Subject: Work Crystals

Attention employees: please remember to deposit your work crystals in the work crystal depository at the end of every work day. Anyone who fails to do this will have their wages withheld for 40 days and will clean all coffee machines in the complex during this time. Additionally, all plastic utterances must be held at the front desk for the entirety of every work day. Postdoctoral socialization must be conducted only at night or during scheduled breaks. Any extramural evidence found will be used in the prosecution of all cases involving ritual vocation coating and/or frequent biological stick-carrying. Furthermore, violators will be corralled and glittered- scheduling TBD by management.

Please return to your company-mandated bulb study until further notice.

We Miss You Already

2010-12-18T01:31:00.000+01:00

Bye, Don.

X-Rays Of Heartbreak

2010-12-15T00:13:00.016+01:00

Diversity news: dried two-for-one think volcanoes can be found for less than half the price of half a pack of holiday fruit if one looks hard enough.

In other news, a reliable source has decided to de-colon a Chicago-based teenaged fleece paraplegic for the value of his ubiquitous pantomime and, oh yeah, his fertile balls. However, a Chicago city official hastily declared the action offensive and put the plans temporarily on ice. He was quoted as saying, "Let Chinese gymnasts bounce and flail, but leave decisions about Chicago's fleece paraplegics to Chicago officials!" Many found his statement unobjectionable.

Neck And Waistcoat, Two Floating Brains

2010-12-08T22:51:00.015+01:00

The host of TVs Brains & Brawn, Mark-Paul Gosselaar wrote some of the most exotic films ever to come out of Mexico while he was still unborn. His potential as a fetus was so great that while still in the womb, in addition to the exotic films, he also invented the floating rocks technique still used by magicians everywhere to this day. He also discovered poison light and used it to eliminate his mother the moment he slipped from her pussy. But it was not all exotic films, discoveries and potential; the host of TVs Brains & Brawn, Mark-Paul Gosselaar had quite a raw afternoon the day he passed an entire Jupiter-sized atmosphere through his urethra. The host of TVs Brains & Brawn, Mark-Paul Gosselaar held me sensitively for several seconds after that episode, let me tell you.

Violated Our Still Ions

2010-12-05T01:09:00.003+01:00

If you, boy, interpose my man with any greater extent, you will meet my team of physicists who can find six astronomers within six physicists in a few discreet microseconds. So you best watch your actions-- especially in regard to whatever goes on in your little research-bitten spaceship. Previously, I measured abnormally high levels of a local compound known to cause interposition of men in this area, but have managed to keep those levels much lower since, no thanks to you. Let's just put it this way: if you, boy, do indeed interpose my man, the body previously known as "yours" will be seen in a 6-km-long reduction of fragments. And I don't mean locally.

Swelling From Dollar Store Silicone

2010-12-01T23:47:00.018+01:00

Apple wine stains by the bed and behind his ears betrayed the perceived "extreme cleverness" claimed by his supporters. But no matter- hot doughnuts continued to be popped into my mother anyway. Eventually, they had his control panel; he stared at the wind. One day it was my turn to care for him. Mother was perched next to the hot doughnuts machine as usual, and I was saddled with the task of feeding Mr. M. I moved his mouth into his fork as the kitchen caught fire, determined to finish his meal. As the concrete turned to jiffy pop, we peeked over the rim of the smoldering crater from our precarious viewpoint. Mr. Mushrooms finally swallowed the last mushy glob of something or other as we were swallowed by the charred ground itself.

Instead Of My Bone-Hungry Landlord

2010-11-27T21:56:00.018+01:00

Please get me something I actually want for my birthday: colorful smoke, anything. As it is, my finer birthday memories to this point have all come courtesy the Weather Channel. Besides colorful smoke, I would also be interested in any of the various kinds of rough movement, e.g., kayaking through rapids, aggressive car racing, sexual intercourse with other humans and/or farm animals, random dialing with a wan smile, entering vouchered museum specimens into databases, etc. I do like quaint little fur hats, but please don't get me another one; my tastes are very specific.

With licorice shadows laying silent licks on the telecasters, the smiles of the band members reminded several in the audience of petite spaghetti in crayola colors.

Didn't Wash The Forest Away With Blasts Of Moist Sugar

2010-11-22T23:14:00.017+01:00

Woefully fizz-like winos' piss adds a strangely profound scent to modern greeting cards in a way that brings together human rights organizations, philanthropists and corporate leaders in their mutual admiration of what is generally regarded by historians to be one of the most important developments in world history since Blackbeard was killed off the coast of North Carolina on this day in 1718.

With a startling gush of metaphysics, I had a square, stout, dark person standing before me, soon to be torn by my friend with refracted communication and, later, to be celebrated with utter amazement.

Active In Traditional Wedding, Baptism And Funeral Ceremonies

2010-11-18T22:55:00.016+01:00

When he sings, his left cheek droops in a mercilessly, awkwardly sad manner and sits humped for what feels like an eternity-length yawn. In fact, his sounds sound like a tangle of omnichromatic foil laminate, molybdenum, and honestly, not real if you ask me. The members of his loyal audience have contemplated the years spent pretending that the presented flowers were far from the water, when they were in fact long since drowned, if you catch my drift. Near the end of his most recent performance, a horrible young lady came bursting in and compared his singing to reading and/or writing a big dumb book, and then began to tear him viciously with her ragged fingernails. I suggested providing Humanist alternatives to the vicious fingernail tearing, but that never happened.

Courageux Joe needs to be fed now.

Some Part Of What Creeps You Out Was Challenged And Unanimously Struck Down

2010-11-16T22:25:00.019+01:00

A drugged driver had a concrete surprise from the combination of the drugging and exhaustion. The locals who found him barely alive in the wreckage gave him a great river, the tents of a king and endless supplies of spring water, but all he did was attempt to use postcultural patriarchialist theory to modify and attack their class system. He was depressed for years due to their lack of aircraft, their terrible renderings of planetscapes and the preponderance of orphans in the area. The day before his death, he was quoted as saying, "Wave your dumb brains, your shut jaws betray your clay tongues! Shed your eyes and live!"

The next day he was dead. If the locals know how it happened, they aren't saying.

Angels' Eggs Under His Royal Guard

2010-11-12T01:14:00.016+01:00

Scientists in Belgium have discovered a way to grow chicken legs on aphids, meaning many more - and much smaller - chicken legs for the world, in an attempt to meet skyrocketing food consumption. Having tried these things out, let me tell you that eating hundreds of tiny chicken legs in a single bite is like the Queen telling you that you are the Queen now. I feel obliged to point out, however, that after eating the tiny chicken wings, one is left with a spiraling funnel gushing five-pound notes from the mouth(s), which some, including this author, have found to be rather uncomfortable.

UPDATE: after I wrote that last passage, I felt that death was upon me and this continues my body shaking wildly until this very moment, as though every individual cell is made of planet-sized bursts of ionized atoms. But I think it is just a coincidence.

Self-Falsifying Paradox: Tongue Eats Very Well Browned

2010-11-08T22:53:00.024+01:00

The spectacle of three planets, the hope of intellectual victory, the use of postdialectic rationalism to modify society-- these are the things I think of when I reminisce about the time I was sprayed with bullets at a checkpoint in Mogadishu. You see, I was mesmerized by the history of the music scene there, and I thought to myself, "Forget you not, ev'ry man should one day into blackness wander," and I was off with several unexpected leg movements and a square remark, as they used to say. While in Mogadishu, I bore witness to a little larger than thirty temper blows before hyper-extending my arm and being forced by matter of circumstance to narrowly escape an assassination attempt in your uncle's car. Remember?

I have often reflected on the pleasant horribleness of a single day confined to the green pasture under her firm apple bum and what-not. Quiet. Shhh, now.

That Concrete Constant

2010-11-03T21:13:00.018+01:00

She had proceeded energetically and with a fair amount of reality to cling to the pig-screen TV that took up at least 57% of the big wall in the baby's bedroom. She has little hands like a prom night lurker, so it is no surprise that she grew so immediately attached to the pig-screen TV. But, the public outcry over the number of pigs needed for each TV finally convinced her to put on her iron shoes and throw the TV on the big burn pile precariously perched upon the polished cylindrical chamber set up by local authorities to avoid federal prosecution. Years later, she became most famous for her formal concert and oratorio repertoire, but eventually became a fugitive from her own thoughts.

Neostructuralist Paradigm Of Effective Combat Air Refueling

2010-11-01T22:27:00.018+01:00

If you have ever passed on a sip of Spontaneous Recall® Energy Drank™, then you have denied yourself feeling the rush of a pneumatic dildo pummeling its flagrant heartache into your freckled zone with the ferocity and fluttering feet of ten thousand and one lakebeds giving birth to your dreams as though you never existed. That's right- it's like your dreams remembering themselves without you. This cuts down considerably on dream production costs and knocks your feet into your mind, however barely perceptibly.

My uncle thinks it should be easier to secure sex via antenna through his car radio. He is wrong.

Twice A Dermatologist

2010-10-29T23:28:00.020+02:00

The sphere squid’s tentacles pull it up to the water's surface with gay science, looking all the while like the wrinkled folds of eels' bloated corpses, but getting the job done nonetheless. Each time the squid gradually ascends, it will surely pass my drowned dreams as well as the cumulative erosion only made worse by the eruption of Mt. Egg, spraying a terrifying sheet of ice all over the freakin' place.

Following my accident, I could no longer identify rich milk and gravy, nor a plateful of pork smaller than three inches across. Shortly thereafter, I suffered after getting heavily bumped from a favorite establishment for woman drudging, the use of postdialectic objectivism to denote not deconstructivism, but postdeconstructivism, and other additional atrocities not necessarily related to offering pigs greater comfort.

May The Barman Consult Your Veins

2010-10-25T23:48:00.023+02:00

Ten years later, leukemia vehicles featuring different mechanical parts were still being manufactured in Arthur, Bulgaria, much to the chagrin of Joe Garagiola, the host of TVs Sale of the Century, also known as The Lonely Shadow in certain circles. Joe Garagiola, the host of TVs Sale of the Century often referred to the leukemia vehicles as "gnat spray coma decanters." When Joe Garagiola, the host of TVs Sale of the Century mentioned this to the mayor of Arthur, the mayor moved slowly over his own choked breath before finally repeating his mantra, "I didn't wear pants in response to the notion of wet string," and speeding away in a large boat in his large mind.

Tearing Them With Gentle Blood

2010-10-20T00:31:00.014+02:00

I will succumb the rush, and dissolve myself with your eyes, I think. I will finish the redhead like I was a crackhead lifting the pipe to disappear the rosy morning hours. I will strive to become the commercial and financial center of the city by building the most important malls, banks and other businesses in this district with my bare hands. If you are impressed by National Airport or RFK Stadium, you will surely raise a lit black Zippo at the invasive pest species of your former thoughts once you have witnessed the severity of my creations.

I will additionally recommend considering this ancient quote: A little house of notions of words will not to put a map, ye meant by which the bedstead.

Beyond The De-falsification And The Attempt Of Murder, It Oppresses The Woman, Júlia

2010-10-16T23:57:00.011+02:00

Rambling upon the streets together, Carlos and his troupe, the Merengue Marauders of Raposo, pass the time by following day-by-day a neighboring family (without disclosing that they are in fact living creatures) and fighting so often that Carlos and his troupe, the Merengue Marauders of Raposo are eventually forced to pay for all the badnesses committed. At one point, Carlos and his troupe, the Merengue Marauders of Raposo even maltreated the slaves belonging to the actress Pola Renon with numerous atrocities that many would assume were the "work of an insane person".

One night I suddenly jerked awake with the realization that all we are are hummingbirds looking for nectar somewhere in the entire micro/macroverse, when it is easily found just to the left of the He-Man figures. Ever since then, I have been trying to become more than the yellow hummingbird on porcelain I saw recently.

Magazine Cover Gives Birth To Death

2010-10-13T01:05:00.020+02:00

Your mother first got to bring you to the old Palace of the Outbreak when you were six. What a repulsive age, six. Anyway, immediately upon arrival, she found favor in the men who builded the bridge, which in fact, is a really shitty bridge with a huge gap in the surface on the north end and poor accessibility, but these were generally the type of men with whom she "banged and brewed," as she called it then. Later, in the Palace of the Outbreak's cafe, your brother took after the state of a beautiful round compact pork pie, with a very curious manner inconsistent with his fast-diminishing slice, in which he posed and hid with the prideful and shameless resignation of a flea. Some other stuff happened, and when we walked out, your mother had a fully functional, miniature piano in her hair.

Her Diamond Lies

2010-10-09T01:44:00.024+02:00

Section 1: The appearance of Helium was preceded by a throng of bodyguards moving in phalanx formation and emitting radio frequencies, which seemed a little excessive considering it was a four-year-old's birthday party, but that's how Helium is sometimes.

It seemed that more and more often lately, the four-year-old plugged-in his devices, passing the day without soap-suds, without the wind, but completely swamped in his recent obsession with being completely riveted by being ashamed, which created some very awkward situations, as you might imagine. But that's why we thought the party was a good idea.

Section 2: Upon reviewing your recent phone message, I noticed a certain eagerness when you spoke in regard to purveying the perceived necessity of materialist discourse whilst visiting a second bulldozer. And this is fine, of course, but that worried, expectant pause between "materialist" and "discourse" implies that we have to choose between cultural situationism and disposal of solicitude, and I think that is simply a startled wound to the otherwise perfect physique of my private monstrosity.

Ivory-Colored Connections Over A Discarded Onion

2010-10-04T23:30:00.027+02:00

Very Very Vectors were a band of immense psychological value who were clever, imaginative, irresponsible, untrustworthy and extroverted; not to mention, every member was less than threefoot-high. But their miniscule size did not dictate their action lumps, at least not in the early days, before the invalid ammonia they lashed at the audience near the end. The narrativity in their 1972 5-LP rock opera, "Five Months of Forever" is fundamentally meaningless, but the whiney noise of their 1970 opus, "Prepared Interest Proposal" befuddles market analysts to this day. This writer predicts that it will remain very gentle on the memories for decades to come.

Otherwise Perceived Instantly

2010-10-02T00:18:00.022+02:00

The young boy was not free to lather beside his father unless they were showering together. His father would tell you it was due to his son's vengeful backwards-henged mandibles and the fact that they were rendered harmless by flowing water, but other sportsmen in the household would probably tell you otherwise. They would likely tell you that the father's cream white bed sheet had recently become creamier and whiter and had in fact taken on a secondary gravitational force in opposition to that of the garage, causing the entire house to tilt at a slight, but noticeable angle. And, as refracted through the prism of time and predialectic capitalist theory, they would be right-ish.

Sift Some Sausages

2010-09-30T01:01:00.018+02:00

You say we go together like a quarter pound of butter and thick onions, but you need to re-think your position. As you well know, tender witches know what you summarize, so you should finally realize that I not only feel you, I feel your entire universe, from the fence by your apartment all the way to the end. And furthermore, you need to stop with the six-legged irridescent zebras and the radio insects and get to filling that entire abdominal cavity normally hidden by truth with beer glasses and powdered sugar.

Flew Off Into Your Eyes

2010-09-28T01:17:00.023+02:00

O brave husband of fire, the cellar could walk if it were able. For why is it not? Alas, thine heavy hornets have never been taught to forget and thus, the difference between sexual identity and sexuality suggests finding a croquet mallet and letting those aphids have it. But again, the cellar itself does not reflect the whole adornment of issues. In some ways, o husband of fire, the fact that you have shown courage in the face of anything magical points toward a possible fidgety admiration, but then again, that big pregnant girl you left in the basement the other night amounts to no less than unsportsmanlike realism and should result in an astonishing modification of our definition of the color yellow.

Rubber-Like Polymer Sandwich

2010-09-24T23:01:00.022+02:00

I buzzingly passed the load of back end occurrences upon them handsome young boys as I passed. They were jabbering giddily about the waste rumors circling around one of their friends' sisters, but these philosophy clouds fled their conversation sky once that load landed, well, thudded really, on each of their fresh young heads. A man sitting on a nearby bench began shaking the too, too dry cat meat mince-pie from his parched mouth, dancing like a psycho-semantic police officer, two minutes behind the beat.

Naturally, them handsome young boys thought it was he who had passed the load.

Without Biting The Ragged Mother

2010-09-22T22:51:00.018+02:00

In honor of the 134th anniversary of the addition of pickles to the tuna salad sandwich, we will begin this morning by looking at some figures. In this first slide, we will see that meat futures look gloomier than a short squat black sky experiencing a sexual identity conundrum. But as we move on to the second slide, we find the fabled cities of gold. So that's about all we need to know, really. Everyone back to work!

The constant yelling we experienced earlier carries a devastating psychological weight.

Saving Six, Pursuit Performed

2010-09-21T00:46:00.033+02:00

It was recently revealed that the host of TVs Video Village, Jack Narz performed the beloved "Jellyfish Sting" only sporadically and unwillingly, despite being a crowd favorite. The host of TVs Video Village, Jack Narz would attempt the evaporation of himself any time a performance was incoming via audience request. The host of TVs Video Village, Jack Narz's conspicuously tall rasping voice would cut through any outside noise, as he squeaked the insipidity of the introduction for "Jellyfish Sting"; personally, it gave me the willies every time. This author is simply not much for hunting frogs, so the "Jellyfish Sting" held little appeal, if any.

Your office furniture offends me. My father's family's opinions are similar. We thought we forbade such offence, as this severe heresy is akin to harvesting a languid mistress, so severe is it, but it seems you have chosen to kick the party flat on the ground with your lack of taste buds.

Done Melted Into My Endless Sorrow

2010-09-15T22:54:00.023+02:00

Dear Jan Michael Vincent

An exploration of the little problems we are experiencing is like a bubble-gravy train defining the hell of our interpersonal relationship with its wheels slipping from the sloppy tracks, when we should be embracing the midday sun and heading for that happy place. Therefore, I propose that we resolve the nail polish situation by decisively growing matching beards of impressive lengths, thereby implying that society, somewhat surprisingly, has objective value.

And I hope that this time we can at least avoid the derisive grins of the hiker guys and finally put this in our past.

Self respectingly,
2T+AC

A Majestic Remembrance Of Bread And Butter

2010-09-14T00:17:00.015+02:00

Closing in, I noticed the embarrassing secrets of legs. But by that point, it was too late. I signaled motionless compliments to the girls as they swung through on little problems and attempted a soft low exit from the jeweler's showroom.

The newly discovered human-mimicing species, known as frillings infirmity, was recently observed interpolating subjective reality into a neomaterial socialist theory, suggesting that capitalist narrativity is capable of truth. Suddenly, the frillings infirmity determined correct angles and measurement of work to be considerably less important than before, unexpectedly discounting the whole equation.

Forehead, Slightly Salted

2010-09-10T00:22:00.019+02:00

Maybe it was the look at his ex’s anal opening that was affecting me, but I couldn't help but feel ashamed of the roach infestation in my neighbor's house. It was I who introduced the foreign species to the new habitat, after all. But anyway, he asked me to look at his ex's anal opening because he heard that he had had sex again in the bed sheet, but off his wife, and was concerned about the possibility of some of the excitement he sustained when he got that horrific gash on his leg being left behind, unremembered. Staring deep within his ex brought the memories rushing back like viscous liquid upon the skin of perfectly sculpted bodies: the roaches, the shimmerdimensional forehead, the sieved yolks of strawberry. I always knew it would come to this eventually, so I grabbed my preparedness kit and whipped out the needles and collected curiosities of the pantry-- in effect, admitting my guilt. With this, I breathed in her hair and slunk from the room like a dull ham.

Must You Paint My Sugarplum?

2010-09-08T21:11:00.025+02:00

Out of one of your daughters rose my sister. Whatever ladyship was within your daughter suddenly stood before us, preoccupied yet willing to withstand judgment. It should also be noted that your daughter has the loveliest pussy, (truth be told, all of your daughters have lovely pussies) so it was rather fortunate that my sister could take advantage of such an opportunity. My sister hovered before us for a time, gold nuggets in one hand, a fire extinguisher in the other. I imagined a future kiss on her cheek to welcome her back, although she had a serious case of the ordinaries. Our father had died a few days earlier choking on tenderly dyed dandelion seeds; still in mourning was I, and about to mourn upon learning was she.

Ass worship is for the ebay store.

A Nightmare Of Tender Simplicity

2010-09-06T23:30:00.015+02:00

My money is home-born, her pretty brown paper packets are factory-born. I'm desperately screaming and she is serene. I use my six rainbow foil gilded wings to maneuver the herpes hills of this town, and she proceeds by foot like any moderately-informed visitor. I regularly spend fifteen thousand dollars on single chicken eggs coated in dirt and she sails the world for months at a time on profound conviction cruises, using sufficient discretion of course. But in hopes of blessing my appetite for domestic family situations, I sought her out, hunted her down and made her mine. If you asked my friends, they would likely say that I am no more harmless than a snowflake pattern, but they know not the strength of my resolution, apparently. I had her thighs removed, but other than that, have kept her mostly intact, even after all these years.

All The Goddamn Things You Basically Did Without Saying "Teeth"

2010-09-04T00:39:00.022+02:00

Heels before me, chump-end of a newspaper behind, kneeling on someone's problems-- this is not how one should wake up. But it is exactly how I woke up this evening. I remember some alarmingly meditative conductress and her lovely blonde daughters. I remember being too drunk to play pyramid ring and I remember the beginning of the epigenetic warfare, but after that, nothing.

Yesterday afternoon, I was definitely lunching on the kindness of a stranger made up like creamed spinach and the hair on my arms was definitely being heightened by the most remarkable book. The waitress locked the lock of my rough sleeve, and I blinked confusion, howling, trapped. One thing waitresses always forget is that chaos overcomes modalities; I piqued six, narrowed remarks, preferred agreeably. Everyone's questions were explained, so I picked up my weaving and dived for the formal hanging stairs.

A Puff Of Magnets

2010-09-02T23:00:00.024+02:00

Susanne needed his eyes, it was that simple. In total, she was looking for four, but when he only had two in his head, decided to take what she could get. She had been wasting her time on cacti, railway stations and other things that weren’t remotely human beings, which was pretty silly, considering she needed human eyes, but was going on a tip there was a teeming swarm of non-human eye smugglers smuggling human eyes in southern Arizona. So, in her first eye-retrieval attempt, she approached slowly from behind, seeking the air's acceptance. She scraped his hands lightly, and in a single, fluid motion, removed the eyes. He coined a fire and attempted a blind twist in the third person, but only managed to pull off what could best be described as a sucking airwhacker. A few hours later, Susanne found the remaining eyes in an abandoned foot shoe a measly stretch down the road and that was the end of that.

The Double Pleaser Will Abode In No Child

2010-08-31T23:10:00.020+02:00

It was after he glued the jack hammer to my prized, one-of-a-kind telecaster made from thousands of pressed chrysanthemums that I began to think that he had an appendage for feelings that was no more than egg-shell thick. But it was really the constant intermixing of his eyes on my sister's behind, accompanied by the comment, "Shaping shaping shaping shaping shaping moving, darling!" that really made my bitterness overpower my unbitterness. His perimeter of nervous working clothes and his miserable pet armored turkey, Sturge, didn't help matters either. Eventually, I coaxed myself to pick up another silver electric pencil and for a boiling second just sat there, but then took a deep breath and plunged it into his severe milky center, as planned.

Buzzing Sound Of A Place And Time

2010-08-26T00:06:00.013+02:00

Scientists revealed today that studies have proven that buckeye butterflies experience tiny shame. Proportionally speaking, they estimate that butterflies' shame is approximately one-fifth the size of human shame, also taking into account other butterfly emotions.

In a side note, it has also been revealed that one of the scientists involved in the study, Dr. Marke Thitherthischer never enters the lab without first brushing his gleaming steel knees with a soft shammy. He does this out of superstition, and on the rare occasion he forgets, he flies into a finely calculated recitation of the third worst poetry known to Africa, all the while kicking the ladies' lavatories' doors with his feet and the ladies contained therein with his unthinking tongue.

Nice Wide Cactus Angel Seen Flipping Over

2010-08-24T23:01:00.018+02:00

It seems that the infant had taken a liking to nailing startlingly beautiful young women to the floorboards in the pantry. No one was quite sure how he had accomplished this as it is common knowledge that infants release bundles of laughter out of nowhere while staying remarkably motionless any time there are Nick Rib Sandwiches in the vicinity, and considering this incident happened in fact during a Nick Rib Sandwich party at the family home, there would have been more than an adequate number of Nick Rib Sandwiches available to stop an infant. But while he was being questioned during the trial, the infant’s smile betrayed him as he was responding to a line of questioning regarding how he trimmed his veal and how he dares parasites to enter his body.

Meanwhile, in neighboring Calastamixe County, property men insisted that soaking sponge biscuits in warm water or four ounces of brandied cherry sauce for the smallest graceful moment of any given day should be required by each member of the community.

Ecstatic Zebra Disposal

2010-08-22T23:38:00.009+02:00

"'The universe makes no reason for my face' will be the inscription on my tombstone!" shouted one of the portsmen. The ricochet of the man's throat noises between the buildings and cliffs and back startled many, but the local directors were unable to make any significant decisions to curb such outbursts due to the "One Bed Proclamation" made earlier in the week by the higher officials. The local newspaper was considering doing a feature on the proclamation, but not before a team of three horses exerted their political influence on the waterway system, hauling two or three small carriages up and down the valley as foretold in the legendary silent phone call by the elders.

But as the silent lumps of day came into view, the horses and the carriages were seen to be stationary and the planned rapturous departure was scrapped in favor of some branch wine.

Like Old People Waiting To Give

2010-08-21T02:39:00.012+02:00

The announcements are as follows: First, literature sympathizers should contact Mr. Imprudencette before Friday morning to ensure that the school speech channel not be switched off again, or whatever, who cares? Next, those 20 alien creatures from the fucking movie with Tom Cruise poised near the glacier memorial must be moved by EOD or the owner will face removal by evaporation squad. Also, we have learned that all thick-willed, slug-brained future expecters should be sure to avoid any computer thundering towards their person or face 507 hours in the tedious cottage. And finally, there will be no more admiration advantages from here on out due to the stubbornness of the room.

In My Baby Feeders, Two Dessert-Spoonfuls Of Veal

2010-08-19T00:24:00.011+02:00

Behind her gavel flap, the host of TVs Break the Bank, Julie Hayek keeps a stunning 17th century example of a gilded gavel of extraordinary craftsmanship and astronomical value. But the host of TVs Break the Bank, Julie Hayek doesn't like to talk about that much because the flap chafes when opened too often. These days she only utters crude epithets and insults like, "My dick's been out of commission since this past weekend for some fun reason, bundles!" or, "Water your short and curly hairs, girls!" The host of TVs Break the Bank, Julie Hayek is particularly cruel lately to a young blind transvestite with no mouth she keeps by the curve, forcing her to hold on the windshield any time they drive somewhere together or branding her midriff. But the host of TVs Break the Bank, Julie Hayek also does nice things for her like maintaining constant laughter for entire episodes of Cuebiz, for example.

Settling Separately In The Supplied Bed

2010-08-17T23:26:00.011+02:00

As I entered the house, the first thing I noticed was just another insensitive shitting / dick-nipple acrylic painting in the foyer. And while it is true that at that point, I would have considered our friendship a boisterous imprudence at best, this really advanced his doubtful blessing beyond anything resembling pleasant feelings into the realm of sickened marrow. I could actually feel (and hear) my marrow recoiling at his every word from that moment on. But eventually we decided to set aside our pride for the sake of our friendship, and together ate an entire pub with our entoothened eyes and grasped the sky like we were stabbing our hands with sharpened candy.

Their Sex Could Defer Child

2010-08-16T20:53:00.005+02:00

Your dear author was left grasping at his joke-purse strings after all of his China jokes flopped, dropped to the floor, decayed, turned to dust and eventually blew away. And now, the show is finally, mercifully over and the world is down a cigarette, of course. Borrowed, but never returned, as you may have guessed. This author was, in fact, never successful at keeping records regarding the number of women in his harem, nor with keeping his secret identity secret from the world. Thus, he divided his remaining eye shadow between his surviving family members and pets and reflected on how excruciatingly dull it was to lose a single limb in a farming accident. Two limbs might be worth mentioning, but just one? Please.

Invalid's Eggs Are Hard As A Wickered Kish

2010-08-15T23:02:00.002+02:00

Sportsman were often delighted by improving Dashwood’s gay status. In fact, they were generally granted happiness instantly. Dashwood’s sister died when he was six, and he keeps her buried right in his mouth. Sometimes you can spot her when he yawns. This in itself is charming, but his willfulisms carry the additional expense of using people – sometimes total strangers -- as his personal carriage, sometimes for several miles and days, regardless of applied or removed demands.

But anyway, let’s meet up again in about an hour and relax in the hotel’s butter tub.

Orbiting All Day

2009-09-21T22:04:00.015+02:00

We took the 25,000 year-old codpiece made from human flesh and filled it with scraps collected in the sieve. My sister burst in the room and shouted, "you can shove your anal sex up your butt!" We ignored her and kept working. She left, but came back a few minutes later and shouted, "swords!" Again, we ignored her. "Swords!" she repeated. We just let it go because we knew it was really all just misplaced emotions related to the family tombstone discussion.

Going Over Her Neck, If Nothing Else

2009-09-16T21:14:00.006+02:00

Last week I got this rash on my hand it was very itchy, then later that night my thumb got sore. Day later: both my knees and my feet were in pain. this went on for the rest of the day. Next Day: my right arm hurts but the pain in my feet and knees are gone and so is the rash. After that day: No pain at all. Day after: Pain in both my right and left arms. Next day: Pain in both my right and left arms and slight pain in ancle.

Now I am sipping cold soup that was formerly warm thinking about that sour remembrance.

Dine With His Sleeve

2009-09-10T22:33:00.007+02:00

l smoothed my words as he wiped the vagabond's clothes over the stain. I am far from the stiffest character, but under these circumstances, I may as well have been made out of something very stiff indeed, so stiff was I. "Look," I said, "you're never going to find a hiding place for that-- it's too goddamn big and sticky." But he just ignored me and continued wiping. He wiped for a length of time that seemed like it was incredibly long, so long felt it.

At one point, we heard someone shout from behind the trees, "Oh! she's already bloody!" and that was when everyone headed for their cars.

Protect Critical Elements Such As Nerves And Blood Vessels

2009-09-06T21:28:00.027+02:00

The host of TVs It's Your Chance of a Lifetime, Gordon Elliott's new band, Largest Marsupial Carnivores (or LMC) will be playing the 3-day goth festival in Belgium later this year. Apparently, the host of TVs It's Your Chance of a Lifetime, Gordon Elliott has never actually heard LMC's music because he records his parts isolated from the other band members, and refuses to use headphones or otherwise listen to them play. He says the bass parts just "come to him." Many fellow bass players such as that dumbass in KoЯn think his bass parts are "wicked."

Meanwhile, in another part of Belgium, she will have pounced upon my sleeve from behind the pile of damp towels, causing me to lose my balance and tumble, thereby crushing the genomes of several of my fellow members of the animal kingdom for many generations to come. Several onlookers will have been speaking in amazement, murmuring their opinions of lameness to anyone who would listen. Not even stragglers from the coach will be able to escape the murmurs.

City Governments Are Hiding Diamonds In The Cement

2009-09-01T21:45:00.019+02:00

When the forehead finally hardens, the dissuading arguments you just heard from the seedsman should come in handy. By the way, the seedsman also wrote an opera that was generally considered to suffer from an extremely weak libretto. But that was a long time ago and no one talks about it anymore. Most of the time lately, they're talking about the softened foreheads and that one girl who had a cameo role in the independent film Goddammin'... What was her name...? Anyway, that's a funny story-- I was at her house one time for a party and she had "one of the most splendid rooms" of any hospital in this city and maybe the next one.

The Trace Of A Scout

2009-08-30T23:58:00.014+02:00

The butler checked me afresh and, strangely, brought his own weather-cock to the event. No one had the heart for the first several hours to tell him that weather-cocks don't work inside. Finally, when everyone in the room was either done or nearly done filling up on mayonnaise sauce, someone slipped him a note, letting him know.

Like the gold flakes on the the worst example of black armor you have ever seen, tears soon began to flow from his ill-begotten eyes. Shortly thereafter, the tears were coming across the room at high speeds with the aid of very few bullets, if any. Eventually, he lifted off his handkerchief, unzipped his pants and began working on his own personal contribution to the advertising and media industry in Pakistan, if you know what I mean.

A Specially Privileged Position

2009-08-26T22:59:00.004+02:00

Words similar to these have been written in this space and many other spaces before. In fact, these very words are all previously used, moortunast of the appropriate usage or spelling. And that's the problem with [children -ed.] today, dammit! Well, anyway, your boiled prosthetics should be sterilized by now-- thanks for waiting.

The Stakes That She Didn't Hammer

2009-08-18T22:28:00.015+02:00

I started the meal with my favorite entrée, butter on a runaway convict with mint, kale and fresh ground white pepper. My dinner guest complained that when I eat that dish, it is more like I plunge into a quick delight than savor life's pungent secrets. Of course, when she says this, it feels as though I got only two whiskers, and they're both knock-jacked, so harmed is my pride. It was around the fourth course that I was mentally casting off unceremoniously in the bread basket. By the fifth and sixth courses, I was so giddy that I ordered a brand new suit made of earthenware dishes over the phone. As the seventh course came to a close, I was demonstrating the famous tumbling armchair. My knee still hurts.

Large Organic Molecules And Even Bacterial Spores

2009-08-16T20:20:00.024+02:00

He stated to the crowd that he wouldn't starve until the hedges were completely bare, which was met with uproarious applause and rapturous "woo!"-ing. He continued by stating that his words would be reproachfully delivered until his voice rasped. This too was met with wild applause from the crowd. In the next passage of the speech, he delved into his childhood, and said that all things considered, the beautifully hand carved Chinese hardwood desk he had in his childhood bedroom had greatly shaped his life, more so than even his family or the grueling 37 month rape trail that nearly sent him and everyone he had ever met to jail for the rest of their lives, but instead was dismissed on a technicality.

The rally came to an abrupt end when a very small gentlemen scrambled down into his pocket and found some of the hardest currencies I'd ever smelled.

Artichoke-Bottomed Wet Dreamery

2009-08-04T22:11:00.018+02:00

When I got back to my seat, there was the strangest lady sitting in her last reek of existence. A few seconds later, *poof* she farted and disappeared into thin air.

All jew girls like a tiny lattice of time to wear around their necks, or just show off to their girlfriends. In fact, more than 58% of all jew girls say that is more important to them than the bridal dress they will eventually wad up and throw in the corner. I read about one motherfucker who was pregnant with a scrape of greasy cold black spiders-- she wore her tiny lattice through the entire child birth process and right into the brood's late teens.

So, With Zebras Hauled By A Team

2009-08-02T23:06:00.015+02:00

He was utterly flawless and when he opened his previously unopened shirt, he revealed a bud of soft warm liquid threatening to ooze. 60% of the area trains would screech to a halt every 13 days, 14 hours when the liquid would flow for a few fleeting minutes. The official collector, the host of TVs The All-New Dating Game, Elaine Joyce was joined by a notary public,Tori Spelling and a judge as she collected the fluid, later to be bottled and shipped under the brand name Micromanagementor™ to schools and institutions including the Train Conductors' Guild and Church® in several countries.

I Had Ceased To Meet Them, For The Money Fail

2009-07-29T22:05:00.002+02:00

In recognition of the 31st anniversary of the release of Kenny Loggins' "Whenever I Call You Friend", 2T&AC proudly presents the following list of business terms to share with colleagues, friends and families alike, effective immediately:

1. "Help me understand"
2. "Low-hanging fruit"
3. "Learnings"
4. "Cascading information"
5. "Action items"

Shaking Her Corn-Chowder In Amazement

2009-07-28T22:19:00.013+02:00

We knew that someone had to be lying when 4 out of 5 of us had straight-flushes and the other had the seventeen of hemp. One of the common scholars present at the time was hammering his sister with his left hand as he played cards with his right. I wished a jawbreaker in his heart, but I guess it didn't happen since he remained alive and continued hammering her. Just as I couldn't take the vicious hammering anymore, I remembered that I had tickets for the first game of the Autumn Internationals at the Naster Cord Arena in downtown Indianola, Mississippi, packed my lunch and left.

Hercules Represented As A Confusing Tangle Of Spiders' Webs

2009-07-26T21:09:00.006+02:00

I saw him nodding forward, with his heavy hand shoved against the boy, "as a form of justice," he would say later. But it was the dead stare behind his tingling pupils as he ate the flowers that really gave me shivers. His appetite was seemingly bottomless as he then proceeded to eat a bass, a walleye, two catfish, a bluegill, and the head of a crappie, all in a distanced, unfeeling manner. Later in the evening, he decided it was time for a spontaneous branding session and put a silver dish in the oven at 500 degrees F for 20-25 minutes. As he took it out of the oven, he was shouting something about an aluminum chassis as he chased the boy around the room. The boy needed several skin grafts after that, but only spent a few months in the intensive care ward and now he is as good as new. Plus, he has that sweet brand.

Between My Deceased Relations

2009-07-23T23:08:00.013+02:00

The host of TVs Can Do, Robert Alda thought it was about time to get his Smart Wipe™ on, and nestled one fragranced Smart Wipe™ on each side of reason. Smart Wipe™ positioning aside, the host of TVs Can Do, Robert Alda got back to brewing his homemade sawdusty fragrance out of, well, sawdust and perfume (and a little paraffin) for his latest batch of bootleg Smart Wipes™. His heart still held out for the already-mentioned freemasonry-- to his mind, there was nothing less splendid. But for now, Smart Wipes™ will wipe smartly-- indeed, ever smarter.

Man And Wet, Wet Naked

2009-07-21T21:33:00.021+02:00

The next morning I was horrified to find her bridal flowers in my sore leg. The floral compound fracture made me sick to my stomach just to see it-- but then the smell! It was worse than the smell that wafts from those pits of stripper blood you find in South Carolina and Cameroon. The first time we vacationed in either of those places, I could even smell the smell with my phantom nostrils. There was a striking similarity between the stench of the stripper blood and that of the smoke coming from the windows of the bride's parents' high, high house. And the pain! The blossoming, brightly colored pain, the scaly tips of thorns; this was to be the beginning of finely perceived agony that would last to this very day.

Big Undulating Chance

2009-07-19T21:10:00.020+02:00

We decided the project had to be done with a very serious tone considering the number of lives lost while building the amphitheater. It was to be the first amphitheater of its kind, with all of the audience's seats on a rollercoaster track modeled after the Phaethon in South Korea, with a helix, then the first corkscrew followed by another corkscrew, and a 540 degree helix all leading up to the final brakes which would coincide with the main character's death. But alas, the Mastersons beat us again with their new amphitheater extravaganza which not only had the audience seats on a roller coaster track, but the entire thing was located in the vent of a live volcanic cone enclosed in vertical gneiss cliffs.

As I contemplated yet another failure, I was rubbing my stinking ass in the vicinity of a very powerful computer, causing it to malfunction. I called my lawyer and told him we had another lawsuit to throw on the pile. He just chuckled and told me not to be surprised if I never heard from him again.

Followed By Three More Picture Books

2009-07-16T21:56:00.003+02:00

The entire staff sat around the 2T&AC offices all day today trying to pick out one single sentence to write here, and well, this is it.

Take Two Leaks In A Large Bowl, Sieve And Simmer

2009-07-14T21:32:00.015+02:00

We finally named our band: Indiscriminate Spraying. We specialize in ambient sledgehammer drone-a-billy. Our lead singer is post-op trans-species, emu-to-human. (most people don't even notice) Our tromboner was actually ruled dead by the county coroner - twice, years apart - and each time came back to life with a new talent-- the first time, he could make homemade soap from bologna and motor oil, and the second time he could play the trombone like Grachan Moncur III, so we had to get him in the band. Our band statement is more or less based on the fact that we refuse to recognize the authority of the U.S. over Puerto Rico.

For our first show next week, we were going to paint yellow stripes on our faces, Adam Ant-style, but considering that saffron is the world's most expensive spice by weight, we think we're just gonna do it with blood. Or poop. (Not our own, duh.)

It Shimmers On The Calm Dark Diving Board

2009-07-12T23:25:00.019+02:00

When my brother first started tailoring tiny suits for crickets and later for other insects, we all thought he had sat down at his trousers rather than actually putting them on, if you know what I mean. But when his 1986 "Stone Dreadful" locust collection made him a star in the insect world, we changed our tune, and I changed what I had written about the situation in my memoirs, putting a more positive spin on it.

We travelled to the opening show in Garden City, Kansas, but when we arrived, I realized that I had unfortunately forgotten my favorite forefinger in either the second or third rental car. I was doing a lot of expectorating at the time, under the keenest scrutiny of my personal physician, who was at my side at all times, and he advised me not to go back for the finger; to just forget about it.

I decided that I needed to try and get my mind off my missing forefinger and familiarize myself with the marshes of the region, using the aid of a homemade compass comprised of a pin cushion and a magnet. Long story short, I got lost and subsequently kidnapped and ended up spending several years locked in isolated confinement. Every night I would reluctantly put on my collar and nestle into the sickly bedding, stroking my beautiful Roman nose to make myself tired enough to sleep there.

There was one small slit in the ceiling, so if I stood on my tippy toes I could glimpse a small sliver of the sky. One night as I peered through the crack, I caught a glimpse of a firefly wearing one of my brother's suits and it was then that I realized that I had never before shared, and in fact never would share, a thimble of sugar water with an insect of any kind.

The Opportunity Of Water-Butts

2009-07-09T22:31:00.005+02:00

The host of TVs Think Fast, Skip Lackey decided it was time to lock his leather apron because of all the very pretty brown paper packets he kept inside. It, inside it. He kept the pretty brown paper packets inside the apron, I mean. And cherries, too. He kept cherries in there. Very, very, valuable cherries. Of course, he used to keep his poo-poo and toenails in there, but he cleaned it up-n-out pretty good. Can I borrow your pants once in a while?

The Shape Of Eating

2009-07-07T21:02:00.023+02:00

We tied a sheep bell to my sister every day for the first several years of her life to keep track of her. Well, guess what? It worked, bitches. We still know where she is to this day. One day, the landlord passed the green mounds in an attempt to secretly remove the sheep bell. I can tell you this with certainty: he was a dreadful acquaintance and a villain and no one was sad when he was killed after foolishly shaking the Hulk.

So now it is today and I am reading this very couplet while passing the ditch where the landlord's body was chucked. I have secretly used a tombstone as a pillow for weeks now, and everyone can smell a sweet bounty in vodka in my whisper. I have never experienced the luxury of drumsticks and wish I could stop ticking soldiers. All of this I blame on him, the landlord.

Consider The Action A Victory In Terms Of Body Count And Withdraw

2009-07-05T23:17:00.017+02:00

Whatever family opinions the soldier brought to church were rolled up in cloth remnants and stuffed in empty casks. It looked terribly heavy, but he was not only a frighteningly elegant gazelle-like creature, but also much stronger than he looked. He sat patiently through the sermon, snickering any time the preacher said "God" or "Jesus" or "Our Holy father", which struck more than a few parishioners as queer.

We later found out that the soldier was not actually a soldier at all, (despite the fatigues) but actually a Dutch-born flautist with the classification: Austronesian-Malayo-Polynesian-Northwest-Sarawakan-Dayic-Kelabitic-Apo-Duat flautist, which is something very unusual, apparently. But as the old saying goes: What's in sudden bites, aside from just another glass?

He With The Befoiled Spine, A Real Winner

2009-07-02T22:32:00.013+02:00

We sat on the lawnmower, feeling that every blade was equivalent to grand larceny of the shins. Suddenly, the edge of someone's leg (or something analogous to the edge) erupted with more than 503 maggots from a hole less than the size of a Euro-coin. That was when we septuplets were 5-- it took several more years before someone had prettily patented an anti-cut blade. Of course, you're welcome to think the inventor had a greater sense of clerical air than your average non-cleric, pro-anti-cut blader, but of course, you will be wrong if you do.

Side Effects Practiced By The Liquor

2009-06-29T22:18:00.021+02:00

The wind was bloody, but this man started to run to me, publishing books left and right as he ran. This poor wretched man, this knave from Crete-- how dare he publish on the run? I had the very strong urge to give him a stone lozenge, if you know what I mean. After several days of pursuit, he received a new red and cream livery in order to disguise himself, but I had my eyes on him the whole time, so it was all for naught.

I later found out that this man who was in such a violent hurry to publish actually comprises four species of woody vines and was only initially thought to be a localized small-ish publish-gusher. This made me respect him a little more.

Jelly Dolphin, Awful Shit

2009-06-26T21:03:00.020+02:00

The party was really pretty dull, but there was a modified pocket pussy that everyone passed around and tried out with the general consensus that it felt "almost real". Jalky found himself struggling to move his gimp left arm so that Hermph wouldn't get cum on it. My favorite fugitive pulled his face to the neck of the boy with the wax candles and rubbed a cucumber along the nearest dish for what seemed like a very long time, and indeed turned out to be close to an hour.

I woke up the next morning with toothpaste (sans tube) in all my pockets, which is kind of weird since I don't remember ever brushing my teeth, ever.

Was Content With His Overgrown Mangle

2009-06-23T20:59:00.013+02:00

Starting with the interactive fetish release, let's first examine the psychological, psycho-social, evolutionary and biological causes for the whole apparatus. One of the first things you have to understand is that a polar bear is painfully disgusting at any age. Now, if we draw an arrow to each point on the map where a polar bear is known to be living, we would waste a lot of time. Instead, we should just load up the guns and jump in the helicopter. This will certainly give you a better overview of the apparatus.

Wax-Ended Piece O' Ice

2009-06-21T22:12:00.021+02:00

Last year, the host of TVs Think Fast, Skip Lackey not only put in a winning supporting turn as Meg Ryan's brother in a whimsical fantasy-comedy, but also designed the plinth of the memorial of Count Lajos Batthyány in Kerepesi Cemetery. The year before that, he spent a minimum of 345 days sitting beside his musket, muttering about connubial missiles while attempting to baffle a large dog with magic tricks and riddles. So far this year, he has died of bulldozer-spread shoulders.

The Cheese Fixation / Starving

2009-06-18T22:24:00.015+02:00

I should like a prayer-book, but really, I just don't. I was reminded of this because after he removed the first, there was one more silk stocking on the same lusty opportunity, but the opportunity was unfortunately such an awful dull, most tremenjous velvet pall that she could frighten birds with just her faint reflection. Which brings us back to the prayer-book.

Look, here's the deal: when I was 13 or 14 years old and saw my first prayer-book, I was desperately screaming something quite awful about wanting a crisp ten fucks less. My father strapped electric iguanas to my legs and shackled my ankles to the hamster cage as we stood staring at each other for several minutes. Silence multiplied infinitely around us, only to be broken by the distant voice of my mother chanting, "I want the butt here, with the dick here..."

Meditative Raking Of Skin

2009-06-16T21:48:00.019+02:00

The music in the video is by Alan Wilkis.

Anyone who began to vote had their prehensile tongues jerked out of their heads, thrown to the ground and stamped upon. One man got away with his tongue half-detached; it hung loose and he sniffed irritably at the inflammatory process. He unfixed his chair from the back of the motorhome, as it was no more uncomfortable than stones, and began to smear the same curly black pie on his still dangling tongue.

Alarmingly Long

2009-06-15T21:41:00.012+02:00

Read this: A big-boned Irish hunter sat in the least improbable manner possible near the antique lamp.
And now read this: I was a blacksmith's wife with the despicable habit of getting my own blood on all of his blood-stained swords.
But then read this: I fell into my fate; you shouldn't be spending all your time painting scarcely two meters of largely angry red lines.

And finally, read this list of Famous People™:
Ch. Muhammad Alam (Late)
Ch. Muhammad Afzal (Nazim)
Ch. Gulzar Ahmed (Ex. EDO Agriculture)
Ch. Safdar Khan Gondal (CEO United Gases)
Ch. Zafar Nadeem (Late)(Bahawalpur)
Ch. Bashir Ahmed (UK)

Rule To Reduce The Reach Of Rule

2009-06-10T21:36:00.014+02:00

It suddenly became apparent that the robot butler had been gassing us for the past several minutes. I noticed a baseball sized growth suddenly jut out of your grandmother's neck before my fragile frame was flung hissing into a guest bathroom. I had obviously become just another hollow victim of the robot butler's cruel drinking parties. I put my saddle on a pile of little drawers and vainly attempted to scoot out of there, causing moderate to severe chafing on my inner thighs.

Cold potatoes can actually be tickled. It is a fact.

Torn By One Significant Gasp

2009-06-08T00:28:00.013+02:00

His lunchtime choices surfaced a year later as the B-side of the UK single by Brown Bearries, "Stunt My Coughin' (Lunch A Bunch)". That's actually how we met-- I was a studio tech during the sessions and he sang back-up on his own composition. His lunchtime choices are back in vogue and in fact, they are once again fast becoming a major factor for at least one of three parachute infantry regiments. There have even been reports of supporters of his lunchtime choices holding tight to low-spirited dip-candles at low-energy rallies.

He was knifed and torn silently by one of your parents, it was recently reported in the literary magazine.

Primitive Overnight Facilities

2009-06-05T21:33:00.015+02:00

Still a little shaken by the dissuading arguments of a threatening shake, I decided to keep my sore leg instead of giving it to those dirty tricksters. But as we all know, I am bulky and slow-moving, I live and forage in an extensive burrow system and rarely spend much time above ground, so with little-to-no resistance, I ended up handing over my sore leg and my prosthetic leg.

My older sister is always trying to be smart without stopping herself, but she is sick with the brain-eaten thing, so she will sometimes sit motionless for days, saying nothing of remembrance, until all at once, she invents a pro wrestling-themed arcade game. It's almost like her whole body is filled with rubber balls.

I Calculated Something Feebler (If Possible)

2009-06-03T22:00:00.012+02:00

The host of TVs The New High Rollers, Wink Martindale had intended to swallow the beer cascading from the very little window. Sadly, however, he had not expected that book from the other dimension to launch from the ether and puncture his forehead with its razor-sharp pages. Many were misty-eyed as he was rolling away.

We Played The Kitchen, Carrying The River

2009-06-01T21:55:00.008+02:00

The machine tilted relief-- physically represented as brown squares-- into both of my waiting arms for what felt like 39 minutes, but was probably more like 38. It was hard for me to admit that to my car, actually. I'm sure the car would have liked to have seen such a queer contraption.

I have been meaning to tell you: I was glad that you were the illnesses when I was the sadnesses; it would have been too difficult to stand up to biting by jerks all by myself.

Anal Was Squalor

2009-05-27T20:44:00.020+02:00

Before breakfast, I had already faked my own death, picked and eaten wild blackberries and collected a good-looking woman. After breakfast, I continued with my productive schedule by painting my tombstone in the form of a miniature windmill on my neighbor's door. Later, when my blood had been thinned with fire, I rubbed the oven for twenty minutes. However, this failed to quell the normal shaking and jostles of walking. Suddenly, I saw that my cousin had used his own hand to form a distress signal with my great-aunt's corpse, so I dropped what I was doing and shouted as loud as I could, "You'll be a burning building!" which seemed to scare him off.

Show A Scarecrow In My Face

2009-05-25T22:49:00.015+02:00

Two islands successfully completed their From Now On Concert Tour with their spiritual tutor, the host of TVs Back That Fact, Joey Adams, who also served as regent on the tour. The logistics of two islands--even tiny ones-- touring are unimaginably complicated, thus the host of TVs Back That Fact, Joey Adams wore his glass coat at all times, even while cycling. Once when I saw him sneaking towards a morsel of sour remembrance when he thought nobody was looking, I shouted, "Another bird! Another bird! Another bird!" until he finally stopped. For the remainder of the party, he avoided conversation, instead arranging a large number of teddy bears and other soft toys in displays located throughout the house.

Simple Enough Creatures Bred

2009-05-22T23:26:00.020+02:00

I: A spokesperson for the English Government today issued an official statement that the English people as a whole are "humiliated, hurt, spurned, offended and angry, but more than anything, sorry for corduroys."

II: The officer removed his clothes and took them over to the boy, or more specifically, to the beer. One could clearly see on his naked skin the signs that he had been scratched by the torches and had recently eaten his first faint smell of dawn. In order to avoid being tossed overboard for good, he ran around gathering all the good French beans and the forks. In the meantime, the other crew members created a little stone that dealt with explicit requests using an alarmingly undersized set of tools. In the end none of that mattered anyway since the ship had enough capacity for 9,000 containers according to the companies' requirements, but was carrying 11,250 containers and sank without a trace, presumably somewhere in the Indian Ocean.

He Wrote Some Wine / Warmly Humming Birds

2009-05-21T18:23:00.015+02:00

If you really want to get your point across, you should enter bare-knuckle boxing matches. This is the most effective way of reassuring your friends and supporters that modern art will prevail over political oppression. You might also consider fewer bubbly puffs on your own thoughts (also known as intellectual incest). I would also recommend avoiding having any scandalous photos being released to the GPU (general public understanding), as this exponentially reduces the possibility that runoff from copper mines will become lodged in dogs' snouts and that said scandalous photos will be seen by the contractor of any future projects.